You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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