i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I still have a little drunk in my system
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
