I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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