Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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