i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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