Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
