If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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