She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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