you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
