I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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