They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
