I need help removing her.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize