Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
