I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
