I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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