I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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