when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
