I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Randomize
