Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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