even my farts smell like vagina
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
