why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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