Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
