david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
