I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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