I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize