Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
