In the future we'll all be gay
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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