on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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