its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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