i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
