I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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