My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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