We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
