There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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