one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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