Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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