And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I can text with my tongue
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
