My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
