Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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