Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
