I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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