he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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