My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
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The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god