On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing