You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.