There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
