Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
My penis needs a shock collar
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
