mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
