i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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