i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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