Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
