The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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