i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
