why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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