Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
