So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
