bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
