And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
