Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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